An Excellent Entertainment
by madwriter223
Summary: -Kink Meme- Thor has joyous news for his Midgard friends. It concerns Loki. The Avengers don't find it 'joyous' though. They are pretty much horrified. WARNINGS for Mpreg, past torture-humiliation, Non-con Child Birth I think


**An Excellent Entertainment**

"My friends!" Thor cried joyfully, grabbing the nearest Avengers into a bone-crushing hug.

Tony immediately tried to squirm free. "Thor buddy, we defeated Loki like five minutes ago, don't add to the bruises."

Thor ignored him. "Friends, our great battle has hastened my brother's labor Come, let us all share the experience."

Hawkeye very nearly fell off his perch on the back of the sofa. "Wait, he's pregnant? We fought a pregnant person?" He paused. "And you want us to watch him have the kid?" The _What the Hell is wrong with you?_ went unsaid.

"No offense, big guy, but I'm not sure I feel up to watching a guy give birth. Or anyone give birth for that matter. I still can't really look at cats since I saw Misty from next door having her litter when I was five. So no thank you."

"I wish you'd reconsider, Friend Stark. My brother's births are most amusing to watch."

That got the Avengers attention pretty well. "What do you mean 'amusing'?"

"They truly are, my friends. Loki always squeals and wiggles about, prompting much laughter from the court. It is excellent entertainment."

Steve looked white as a sheet. "You make him give birth in front of the whole court?"

"Maybe it's an Asgardian ritual." Bruce offered, though he didn't look too convinced. "Maybe they make everyone do it."

"Nay, Friend Banner. A child's birth is a sacred event shared only by family and the midwife."

"Then why does Loki have to have his kid in front of the court?" Natasha asked, crossing her arms dangerously. Hell, she even blinked dangerously, she was that pissed.

Thor threw up his arms as if in exasperation. "Because it is entertaining! Besides, my brother doesn't birth children, only monsters. He doesn't mind that we watch."

"Oh really?"

"Yes. He even makes it into a wondrous game. When his time is due, he runs and hides from us, leaving tricks and traps in his wake which only the best warriors can get through. Those that catch him get to hold him in the birthing position. And the rest of us bet on what shape the creature will have. How many limbs, fur, scales, even if its dead or alive! It is great fun." He grinned at all his friends. "Shall you join me then? Friend Rogers, as you were the one to catch Loki this time, you may hold him in position if you like."

The Avengers stared at him for long moments. In fact, they stared at him long enough for Thor to suspect that he might have said something wrong.

.*~*~*.

"My friends, I really do not understand. You tell me to treat my brother's spawn as children, but they are monsters."

"Does Loki treat them as his children?"

Thor blinked. "What?"

"Does. Loki. Treat. Them. As. His. Children?"

"Well yes, he is a doting parent even to beasts. But labor often leaves my brother greatly confused."

"It doesn't matter." Natasha interrupted harshly. "To Loki they are his children and you are intruding and practically raping his 'sacred event' of giving birth to his child."

"Not to mention watching someone in labor for sport is what sick fucks do." Hawkeye added under his breath.

Thor threw him a small glare, but otherwise looked thoughtful. "I did not think of it like that. But then why would my brother turn the event into a game?"

"Got a question for you. Did Loki ever come out and say 'I'm gonna give birth soon, try and catch me'?"

"Nay, he didn't. But the fact he run was invitation enough for a hunt. He must have known that."

"Yeah, he must have. Or maybe he just wanted to find a nice place to give birth to his kid in _peace_! Ever thought of that?"

Thor furrowed his eyebrows, and slowly shook his head. "Nay, I have not." He chewed on the new information for a few moments. "Then, if Loki and his brood are not to be viewed as entertainment, why have Friend Banner and Friend Stark been allowed to bare witness to the event?"

Cap sighed. "Thor, we've been through this. Bruce is delivering the baby because he's the least likely to get hurt if the kid has sharp teeth and decides it's hungry. And Tony is there, in the Iron Man suit, to provide support."

"And get his hands crushed by Loki." Hawkeye added, smirking at the memory of the look on Tony's face when Loki had grabbed his hand and refused to let go.

As if summoned, the doors to the conference room opened and Tony staggered in. He was pale like a ghost, appeared to be shaking all over and looked fairly nauseated.

He managed to get to the nearest chair and collapsed onto it, the chair groaning under the weight of his suit.

All was silent, then Hawkeye poked Tony in the head. "Well, what is it?"

Tony took a deep breath. "I'm not sure. There was a lot of blood and mucus and wet fur and things I don't want to think about. I suddenly have a whole lot more respect for women."

Clint smirked. "Did you faint?"

"Nope. I held strong and I didn't faint. I did vomit though. A little bit."

Thor leaned forward in his seat. "Is the child monstrous then?"

Tony rubbed a weary hand across his face. "Nah, not really. It's kinda... well, it's basically a little ball of fluffy fur. Loki even let me hold it. I'm telling you, biggest set of brown eyes I've ever seen."

Natasha cocked her head at him. "Can you describe the kid? Give us an approximation on what we're dealing with?"

Tony swallowed, and looked at the ceiling in thought. "You ever watched _ALF_? That TV show about a family finding and taking in an alien, calling it Alf, and it constantly wanted to eat their cat?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, like that. A bona fide, kidding you not, baby Melmacian. Complete with long snout, those big teeth and the weirdo hairdo." Tony turned to Fury. "Just remembered, Loki asked for a cat for the kid. Preferably already shaved and cooked. Apparently, the baby can't just drink Loki's milk and watching him breastfeed is something I'm gonna have to actually invent brain-bleach for."

Fury blinked at his consultant, then rubbed his temple. "Fine. Black Widow, find a cat too feral for adoption, shave it and put it in the kitchen. Hill, you contact the MIBs. Let them deal with it." He looked across all his Avengers. "Now get the fuck out of my conference room. I need to have a drink."

"Can I have one with you?" Tony asked weakly, giving the Commander his best puppy-eyes.

What the Hell. "Fine. The rest of you, out."

They went.

.

.

.

**Written for a Kink Meme Prompt:**

_Every time Loki gets pregnant, it's turned into a kind of spectator sport when he goes into labor and gives birth. He's forced to give birth in front of the whole court, who laugh at the "Mother of Monsters" (or whatever they wanna call him) and who place bets on what the next "monster" is going to look like.  
Bonus: Loki's lips are sewn shut because he's making too much noise.  
Double Bonus: Thor takes part in the bets due to ignorance/peer pressure.  
(...I'm sorry Loki, I just love whumping the hell out of you.) _


End file.
